My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle