Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.