*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
this isn’t threatening at all
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Aight bet
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words