I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.