I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
tourist season
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?