Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.