FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or