It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*