When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
You Might Also Like
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.