Can Happiness buy money?
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
🤣🤣🤣
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.