How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Cat.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die