Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas