Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is