One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
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as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb