Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
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dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.