It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!