10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…