me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
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me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Camping tip: No.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*