Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.