Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.