It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
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ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale