Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Dune (2021)
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together