“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.