Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Wikigenius