Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
car not found
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
i really liked this one
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general