At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.