“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
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me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
What a chick magnet..
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.