*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Love is in the air fryer.