My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”