I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My work here is don’t.
Children of the corn 🌽
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968