Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother