I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
🤣😈🤣
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad