ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
spicy snake
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another