Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos