This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider