Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I wanna be friends with this person
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.