Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
wtf management?!
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied