Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
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My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes