#CoronaOutbreak
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
There are no pants in heaven.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car