I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?