Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*