Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Breaking news:
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude