Wait a minute
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Don’t tell me what to do
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done