[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.