3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
waiting for halloween be like:
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.