My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.