Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
You Might Also Like
Bring back the McRib
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
marvel comics have peaked
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
i did the math
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?