Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
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My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.