Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”