dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
good morning
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work